Where’s the BOFH when you need him? The server room? Certainly, just through this doorway… Oh! Whoops, my mistake, that was the unfinished fire escape.

Ha, no I’m definitely not, and have never been, an HR manager. It’s just one of those lessons I’ve learnt over multiple decades of working in an office and similar environments. The thought realigning is just to realise that you’re not trying to “placate” others, or do them a favour by granting them your time, but you’re actually helping yourself as being part of the ‘in’ group, even if you’re then quiet can make life a lot smoother. I’ve found people a lot more accommodating once they know me well enough to know I’m not being hostile reserved, so much as just quiet and focused reserved. It usually doesn’t take more than a few minutes per day of saying hi and maybe listening to their excitement about the latest sportsball results before people sort of mentally tick you off as being part of the group.

I’m not trying to say it’s easy, it’s not. It’s not particularly enjoyable to begin with either, but as you get into the habit of it and expect to spend x minutes per day conversing with people, it gets less difficult. Also, just listening with an occasional “uh huh” goes a surprisingly long way, people always appreciate a listener, and that way you don’t have to do much talking.

I definitely feel your pain with the loud, no boundaries ones, they can be exhausting if you either don’t or can’t manage them efficiently. That’s where I found that engaging on my terms at times that gave natural reasons to break off helped. I found most people were a lot less likely to dump if I was ‘in’ the group, but just seemed busy/preoccupied, rather than when I was ‘out’ of the group.

Think of it this way, being able to socially interact with your team in a normal work environment is a useful skill, and like any skill you only get better at it by practising. It might be hard work initially, but you’ve got a great opportunity right now, so go for it. It’s no great loss if it doesn’t go smoothly, you’re heading for the door anyway.

Good luck, and remember, if it all gets too much, you need to go, you’ve got to have that report on your boss’s desk by the end of business today.

If you want a productive outcome the first thing you’ll probably need to do is realign your thinking about this. You’re not having “to placate needy people with attention this way”, these are your teammates, and above all, other human beings, and they’re inviting you to be part of their group. Engaging with them isn’t doing them a favour, it’s doing you a favour. Yes, some people will take the slightest opportunity to talk your ear off, but not engaging at all is just setting up walls that leave you on the outside. Equally, you need to respect your need for focus and lack of distraction, which can certainly be tricky if everyone else is reliving the drama of their weekend.

I’m certainly more on the introverted side of things, but I’ve found it very beneficial to get myself out of my shell regularly to talk to other people at work. The best way I’ve found is to effectively ‘time box’ chatting time. Find times when people are generally more relaxed and chatty and you’re not focusing on work. I’ve found lunch time is often good as people will chat, but also have natural reasons to break off themselves. Maybe they go to the gym, or are meeting a friend for lunch, or maybe they just want a bit of peace and quiet! Whatever it is, it’s a good opportunity to chat for a few minutes, then if they don’t break it off, you can plead a prior engagement and break away without upsetting anyone. Even claiming you have to get back to your desk to finish a report will do. Once people find they can interact with you, but only a bit, they’ll often self-regulate.

TLDR: loose the attitude that you’re having to “placate” the “needy” and start seeing socialising as an opportunity to develop better conbections with your team. You never know when that can come in handy.

Challenge yourself to relax and spend at least 2 minutes socialising in a friendly way tomorrow, then work on extending that up to a point tgat people seem comfortable with, without them swamping you. You’ve already handed in your notice, so you have the perfect, low consequence situation to practice in.

Matching communication styles is the key here. If there’s a general chatty vibe to the team and you’re the only one not engaging then you’re the odd one out and that will invite comment.

If your team are chatty, you don’t need to go all out at the same level they are, but showing some willing and chatting at least sometimes will usually be enough to ensure harmony. Knowing how to disengage without causing offence or annoyance is also an important skill.

If they’re anything like the pegs I got, vinegar won’t help, they basically crumbled to dust!

I’m guessing that was their last post.