Cyrus Draegur

When I told my best friend about mastodon, it misimprinted on her brain in a flash as “walrus chat” and now she can’t for the life of her remember its actual name.

if i had a nickel for every deep-voiced woman named Elizabeth wrapped up in a massive fraudulent enterprise, I’d have ten cents but it’s still weird that it happened twice

(the other liz)

also rebrand it from Mastodon to Trunky.

1. Trochaic meter is more addictive: 2 syllables with accent on the first. just like YOU-tube, FACE-book, GOO-gle, TWIT-ter, TIK-tok, SNAP-chat, RED-dit, WHATS-app, etc; there are a FEW exceptions like Insta, Messenger, Telegram… but they are the clear minority and were propelled in spite of their names. it’s part of why TEEN-age MU-tant NIN-ja TUR-tles and MIGH-ty MOR-phin POW-er RAN-gers was popular.
2. Trunky is full of bright bouncy sounds that pop, the T and the K both hit nice, the R is exciting and powerful, the y ends it on a high timbre, it’s cute.
3. A mastodon is an extinct lumbering beast from the ice age which is the antithesis of anything trying to break out as a hot new service. But this would allow the service to keep its pachyderm branding.
4. While at it, change “favorite” to “trumpet” (as in trumpeting praise), again it’s trochaic (TRUM-pet) and carries less cognitive LOAD than “favoriting” which feels heavy and committed. Just because you LIKE something doesn’t mean it’s your FAVORITE thing you know? this would decrease the friction of interaction (which is GOOD).
5. Also while at it, keep tooting as the analogue for tweeting, rename boosting to re-tooting for brand consistency, and add a bookmarking function called “Remembering” (because ELEPHANTS NEVER FORGET, right? :D)

What the actual FUCK, THIS SUMMARY LEAVES OUT MAJOR CRITICAL VITAL INFORMATION

MULTIPLE masked gunmen! UNIDENTIFIED! they have no fucking clue who they even ARE?! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THE HEADLINE SHOULD BE “UNIDENTIFIED MASKED GUNMEN ATTACK PUBLIC CIVIL SERVICE OFFICE, MURDERING THREE”

Eating that will not make you happy.

It will give you at best a brief moment of pleasure, but the pain it will bring later is not worth it!

It’s not just ONE burger–that is yet another burger. An element of self-harm, another step on a journey that takes you FURTHER away from who you want to be! Don’t take it! Draw the line! Let this be the moment you STOPPED the trek toward ruin!

Skipping this one is not depriving you, you’ve had them before; they’re old news. You know what’s GREAT news though? Being able to tie your own shoe laces. Being able to WIPE YOUR OWN ASS. Being able to climb a set of stairs without feeling like you’re about to die. Being able to stand in place without becoming out of breath. Be grateful that you have not crossed those thresholds because YOU STOPPED NOW.

It’s not improvised, it’s artisanal!

at least they aren’t discriminatory…?